If there is one thing to know about me it is that I absolutely hate being sick. Being the person I am, I find it so uncomfortable when people ask me what's wrong, or why I went to the doctor. Don't get me wrong, I feel happy and loved that they care to ask, but how am I suppose to answer without feeling burdensome? There are very few people I tell about my health and when I'm sick, I usually don't even tell my mom what's really going on because I hate worrying her. I'm like this with most people, because I made the choice to tell someone why I was gone from school so often and it made things very uncomfortable. It made my life feel somehow like a burden to this person because I was sick and they felt so much sympathy towards me. I didn't want anyone to treat me differently because of this. I have become a master at answering these questions with phrases such as "I wasn't feeling well" or "It was just a cold/12 hour flu". I find it easier than the truth; I was gone because I have a heart condition that is undiagnosed still and therefore I have no way of treating my symptoms.
Take today as an example. I woke up in a panic around 6:30am hyperventilating because my heart was beating so fast I felt like I wasn't breathing. Waking up like this happens once sometimes twice a week (although sometimes I go several weeks without one, my episodes are very sporadic). Most of the time it passes in anywhere from 5 to 30 minutes. But some days, like today, it lasts for hours. On these days I stay at home due to lightheaded-ness, nausea, anxiety, and fatigue. I have learned to calm myself down and control my breathing after dealing with my condition for almost 2 years now. However I cannot manipulate my heart rate. The after affects of an episode are sometimes worse than the actual episode. After an attack I am completely drained, emotionally and physically, and I become very tired. I usually remain light headed and nauseous for some time as well. Anxiety is something that comes with the randomness of my attacks. I never know when they are going to happen and when they do it surprises me. With time though, I have learned to control my emotions during an attack and I am now a master at secretively monitoring my pulse in public.
There are a few people who really know what I am like during my episodes and how taxing they are. I go to school with a girl, let's call her June, who has had a similar experience to mine. June has frequented the cardiac center like me and understands what I go through in an episode. June no longer has troubles with her heart, but she is still a great comfort to me because she understands and doesn't make it uncomfortable. Another person I can talk to is Lacey (the owner of sister blog one). She suffers from chronic migraines and misses school like I do for doctors appointments and days where you just can't get out of bed because of your condition. Both of these conditions are invisible conditions, and sometimes people will be rude because they can't see that you are sick or hurting. Someone in my family, we'll call him Joe, doesn't think anything is wrong with me. Joe has told me several times that I look fine, and I just need to toughen up. I hope that no one ever has to have someone they care about be this way to them. Just because you can't see something in someone, doesn't mean it's not happening.
I want to take a moment for anyone who is currently going through diagnosis, or like me is unable to find a diagnosis (for any type of condition). When I had my first episode I was terrified. When I went to the ER I was terrified. When I had my first appointment with my cardiologist she told me there was a chance I would have to have heart surgery and I cried the whole way home. I'm less scared now because I trust my doctors to find an answer and I trust and love my body. I know how scary not getting answers can be. But please know that you are not alone and there is someone somewhere who has been in your shoes. I hope you find comfort and peace, but most of all I hope you find the answers you deserve.
I am not writing about this for pity, or sympathy. I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am fine, on most days I feel great. In no way does my heart define what I can do as a person. I wanted to share my personal story and thoughts on chronic illness, or undiagnosed illness for those who also suffer from them and for those who have someone near them that does. If you take away anything from this let it be this: An illness /condition/disability will never define who you are, and what you are capable of doing.
After having a rough day, I felt like sharing my heart with you all. I'm sorry if this way boring or cheesy. I would love to hear your story if you want to share your "heart" with me as well. If you don't feel like sharing or are scared please know that there are people who love you and who are fighting on your side!
DFTBA,
Dallas ♥
Be Kind. Smile. Love.
